“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear” George Addair
This week I have been a true student of procrastination.
I recently embraced minimalism and decided that before I can possibly be expected to sit down and write something meaningful the kitchen drawers must be de-cluttered. The linen closet pared down (how many hand towels do we really need?!). I asserted that a clear and uncluttered work space opens the door to clear and uncluttered thinking…yet I knew I was just avoiding the hard work of putting my butt in the chair and writing.
You could argue, as I did for all the hours I spent cleaning out my walk-in closet, that “this is good – I am making space for creative energy, I am letting things go so that new ideas and opportunities can enter into my life, my mind, my soul….so it must be ok then, right?”
What I was doing this week was in fact a mini version of what I have been doing for most of my life.
Working at jobs that seemed “good”, productive, especially when I worked for a not for profit, I told myself “I am doing good things, how can this be bad?”. And yet all the while there was this nagging feeling, growing more and more powerful in me, that I was avoiding the real work that needed to be done. Work that only I could do and yet it seemed so hard to turn myself to it.
If you listen to the voice of fear you’ll hide from the real work of your life and miss out on the challenges and the joy awaiting you, just on the other side of fear.
The work I’m talking about is this work, the work of embracing my true calling and helping other women to awaken to their own true life purposes.
The reason I clean and de-clutter is out of fear. The fear of using my gifts, however humble. The fear that no one will understand. The fear of failing in my work AND the fear of succeeding.
Thanks to this week, my fear is now crystal clear, with a honed edge, it has become a weapon in my hands. In the face of this fear, I have in fact been incredibly hard on myself, heaping criticism on myself, berating myself for a lack of commitment, lack of discipline, lack of work ethic and vision.
I am lazy.
I am a coward.
As I scoured and scrubbed the surfaces of my home, I left myself not one measly scrap of compassion.
Then, in a moment of quiet clarity, I was reminded of what Byron Katie says in her book Loving What Is: “No one can hurt me, that’s my job”. I seem to be very good at this part of the job.
I suspect you are too.
No one has ever said to me out loud the hurtful things that I have told myself in my head. We are our own worst enemies – and so the house is clean, and I feel like a turd.
All around me though, if I remember to look, is the calm, grounding support of the natural world. All week, in my yard (more de-cluttering) or on walks, I was joined by one or more raucous blue jays. The blue jay is noisy and hard to ignore.
So finally, I listened.
Blue Jay presents the challenge of not showing up as your authentic self, or in fact of not showing up at all. So the Blue Jay, with his blue crown of feathers, asks if we want to be a pretender to the throne, or to develop the innate royalty that was always, already ours.
Our “royalty” lies in the unique, divinely given gifts we each have and are asked to take up and gift back to the world. That’s where our true power lies, in authenticity, and he reminds us of the proper use of our power.
He shows you that the choice is always yours to make.
For years I was a pretender and the sight of a Blue Jay would create a kind of anxiety in me…as if I could hear him loudly telling the world that I was an impostor in my own life. This lasted only so long as I denied the true expression of who I was and stifled the desire to do the healing work I yearned to do.
There is always another closet to clean out, another pot to wash, another task that needs doing.
In stillness, and especially in nature, you can quiet the voice of fear and hear the call to awaken.
Hear the voice of love speaking to you in birdsong…asking you to bring forth your authentic power for all to see.
If you’d like to explore how self-criticism, doubt and compulsive de-cluttering may be keeping you from answering the deepest yearnings of your soul, I am here to help. We can walk this path together, I’ve been there, and I’m ready when you are.
Lend me your fearless flight, your confident power, your startling blue
Lend me wisdom to take on the responsibility that comes with walking a path with heart
The path that calls from a higher self, a divine wisdom
Lend me your laughing heart, your bounding joy as you soar from branch to branch with your brothers
Lend me your voice in blue to tell of the way
To tell of the one who will be crowned in all her glory at the end of the day
When the choice is made to take up the gifts we have been given and gift them back to the world
Our power made manifest in service to our souls
It’s time to quiet the voice of fear,